Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you didnt know i had herpes?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
