Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
