i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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