come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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