Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
