I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I could fuck to npr.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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