I want to have your abortion
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
