my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
