If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
