he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
