also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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