11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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