If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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