I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
