Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize