Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Did I show you my penis last night?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Sext me about skeletons
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