i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize