Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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