I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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