yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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