White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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