omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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