Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
