Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
