I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
