I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
