foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
