You can't motorboat a personality
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
