We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
