One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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