Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
