I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
