oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
