i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
