where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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