After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize