A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
