My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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