You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I had to cum in my sink.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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