and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
