I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Randomize
