I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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