I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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