Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
