I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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