I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
