I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize