She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
