i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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