from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
