Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
