I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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