Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Randomize
