Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
They have beer where we have blood.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
