1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I think weed is turning my hair brown
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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