hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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