get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
