The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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