So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I AM VODKA MAN
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
