yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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