So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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