saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
