omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
