My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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