Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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