I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
