it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize