I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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