I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
