nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
