dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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