We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
