SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
