the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
