And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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