ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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